Most likely it’s our culture that sends us looking for more, treasuring the idea that we can somehow rise above the problems of life, that there is something more special, almost magical within our grasp. We are raised to believe there is more than life itself, that what we see, in each single moment is not enough. Dissatisfaction abounds, and is encouraged by promises of more, of better.

Religions and spiritual teachers hold promise of enlightenment, or the big reward in the sky, Heaven. And so we look around, we struggle and we suffer, and we want and crave for more.

The spiritual quest is one many of us most go on, because we have to see for ourselves that this is it. Ironically, many spiritual quests give you the tools to do just that. But it’s a selfish circle you travel. The eye goes from looking outward into life, to peering inward. All attention ends up on the self, vying for improvement, for change, for that experience that elevates one into the wordless they hear so much about.

If you do it right, you end up right back where you started from, the same person you were before, but now free of the dreams, the delusions, the hopes of being someone else, somewhere above it all. Unfortunately, the human mind is an amazing source of creativity and imagination, it creates our reality on many levels, and no one can deceive you more convincingly than your own mind.

If you want it bad enough, you can teach your brain to create amazing experiences, experiences that are every bit as real as physical reality and equally convincing. But the interpretation that the event of metaphysical or religious is incorrect. If you use the other tools you’ve been taught, such as meditation and mindfulness, you can eventually see these experiences for what they really are: semi-lucid dreams, hallucinations, and fabrications.

But don’t get me wrong. The spiritual quest, though circular and selfish, is often exactly what is needed to ground us back into physical reality, to show us how we operate in the world, to see how incredibly deceptive and convincing our own minds are.  If you look hard enough, spend enough time being as skeptical of the inner landscape as the outter, you will see you are and have been, always, exactly that which you sought.

For some time, the spiritual journey is a distraction, a layer that comes between you and that which you desire. When you drop the want, the need to be other than here, in this moment, in this life, in this second being lived, you find this is all there needs to be, this is it.

It’s wonderful to see through the beliefs, the yearning, the delusions and illusions, and look to the simplicity and complexity of life itself. You can only then be content with what you’ve been dealt. Attachments drop away. Identity through labels becomes meaningless, and the need to be “spiritual” becomes a thing of the past. The search ends because you have what you sought. The cherished, selfish self takes a back seat to an amazing throng of arising and fading processes.

As you see how the self process operates, how frequently thoughts and emotions are overrated and taken too seriously,  how views and ideas are just that, you loose interest in being selfish, and turn outward to be more selfless. You can open to outter concerns, to the interdependence of all people, animals, environment and worldly things. The connections are easier to see, and the idea of anything existing in and of itself becomes ridiculous. The circle becomes laughable. The quest a bit of a joke. Yet, the tools remain useful until they too are unnecessary.

Go on the spiritual/religious quest, but don’t be surprised when you discover you were already there and this is what there is.

Ban Offshore Drilling

Buddhism has a reputation for being passive, and there are good reasons for this. All that meditation  and mindfulness we do appears passive.  And in the beginning many of us do have to mindfully hold back reactions, and refrain from falling into old active patterns that used to get us into trouble. But there is a time for apparent passiveness, and a time to act, a time to be engaged.

Actually, Buddhism is a practice, it is active, even if it appears to outsiders to be passive. Eventually the practice becomes engaged Buddhism when one actively engages in each moment as it arises, engages in activities that lessen suffering for others, and engages in ethical and moral decisions that work to the benefit of all.

In addition to being engaged in practices, however, we also need to engage ourselves in the world’s problems where we can be of help, always keeping Right Action, Right Speech, and the rest of the Eightfold Path in mind. This means working toward change, change that is going to lessen suffering and nurture improvement.

But as we step out into the world, and sometimes, into the political arena, it can be easy to fall into old habits. Anger may arise in reaction to situations so be wary, be mindful to your response as you meet up with people who seem to thrive of pain and destruction. This is what often sends many a Buddhist running back to the cushion to retreat from the world. But retreat not.

Robina Courtin, my former Lama Mama, my first Buddhist teacher, often said, “Send me to where people suffer the most because that is where I can do the most good.” No place intimidated her. No place overwhelmed her. She spent much of her time in prisons throughout the US, with men on death row, teaching inmates how to meditate, how to look into themselves and see what is really there. No ghetto was bad enough, no city big enough for her.

While becoming a monk or nun and joining a monastery is one way to follow the path, it’s certainly not the most common, and it can be argued if monastery life is the most effective means of practice. For most of us, every day life is our practice ground, and the greater problems that call to our attention really test our principals, our ethics, our views, our sense of self or lack there of. Additionally, employment not only gives us a place and situations to practice what we learn from teachings and being on the cushion, jobs provide money that can help make a difference in the world, alleviate suffering, or help push a good cause.

Going out and making a difference is where we put the pedal to the metal, so to speak. There are many ways we can help from volunteering to spreading awareness. Volunteers are needed for hands on work in many areas from helping in shelters for the homeless or battered women, clean up in state parks, and a number of other areas. Additionally there is a great deal you can do via the Internet.

Secular Coalition of America

Sites like Care2.org, Defenders of Wildlife,  Secular Coalition of America, VoteHemp.org and The Environmental Defense Fund not only provide online petitions, but they also provide a thought out email you can send your state Representative, Congress persons, Senators, and even the President to either protest or support a bill or issue. Spend a little time each day reading through the issues posted on these sites, signing petitions, or filling in your address fields to send emails to government officials. And donate what money you can. These organizations do what they can on donations, and your dollars can make a big difference.

Petitions and letters to government officials are great for getting your opinions out there, but we also must go that extra step at times. For combating the issue of violations of church and state, I felt I had to do more. Lo and behold, I discovered a site via a Facebook post about the Secular Coalition of America, a 501(c)4 advocacy organization whose purpose is to amplify the diverse and growing voice of the nontheistic community in the United States.

I went to their site to learn more about the current issues, the laws and wording in the US constitution regarding these problems, and I signed up for Action Alerts. Additionally, I discovered the Executive Director Sean Faircloth was speaking in my area about grassroots and starting SCA branches in each state. Now, I have an organization to speak my concerns and lobby on my behalf.

I signed up to donate monthly, and spread the word virally through social networks like Facebook and Twitter, plus Second Life(SL). I own the Secular Community in SL, and have created an interactive board with the SCA website on it. Additionally, I am informing SL citizens about this organization, sharing the problems of violations of church and state, and hope to grow awareness in a huge way.

As Sean talked about starting grassroots and getting involved in some of these very sticky issues, he stressed the need to stay cool and calm, to stick to the facts that back you up (mainly the US Constitution), but also not to get lost in wanting to change the religious mind into an atheist/Buddhist frame of mine. Really, what he was referring to was Right Speech.

In talking to people about these issues, stay tuned into what you are really saying, keep the acrimony out of your voice, and appeal to reason. This is the place to practice mindful speech and Right Action. Always question if your actions and behavior are going to cause more suffering or lessen it.

Defenders of Wildlife

The world needs a lot of help. Environmental issues abound where you can donate time or money. In the US there are violations of separation of church and state that need our attention. Every city has its share of shelters, homeless people, and issues where you can help by signing petitions, writing articles to make people more aware, and donating money.

Most of us find that the Buddhist practice eliminates suffering in our personal lives in big ways. Eventually the practice moves away from the practitioner to people out in the world, and the situations that are causing pain and suffering. This is where engaged Buddhism falls into place, where you can help make a difference to the suffering outside yourself.

Most of my personal explorations into a Buddhist teaching started with the desire to prove the teaching incorrect. It’s just my nature to swim upstream.  And the whole area of attachment was no different. But, I had to admit in a short period of time that, yes, at the bottom of all my cravings lie attachment, and that stinkin’ attachment was causing me to suffer.

My attachments have had much examination under the mental microscope over the years, and it’s no easy task to get beneath them and pop them free. But I realized a part of the mechanism that was feeding my attachments was the language I used regarding labels and titles.

Of course we need labels and titles for communication purposes, or we would never understand one another. The problem arises, unmindfully usually, when we get attached to labels and identify through them. For instance, even though I wanted my divorce, talking in terms of I and me instead of us and we took a bit of adjusting and breaking of habit. It seemed strange to only refer to myself, instead of us. Even more difficult was adjusting to a new job title, as I strongly identified through the previous one.

This got me thinking about Buddhist teachings regarding how we get attached to titles and come to identify through them. We create an illusory me, an I am a technical writer, or I am a wife. Yet, when I looked closely, I realized that was simply a mind fabrication, a slippery identity at best. And there was confusion, readjusting, and suffering beneath those titles.

I looked more deeply into the many labels I used in reference to myself, examined the desire beneath each, and little by little mindfully let them go. I realized the first I had to send packing was a title I had come to take pride in, cherished on many levels, and had created an illusory self around. That title was Buddhist!

Digging into this label I found myself burrowing down a deep rat hole. Being attached to such a title went against the teachings, yet dropping it seemed to betray myself in way. The teachings I had continually tried to disprove actually proved correct and understanding them was beneficial. I searched inward, examined the many layers of identity and attachment, and little by little realized that like everything else the title Buddhist is not only empty, but pointed at nothing, really nothing at all!

You could argue a Buddhist is one who follows Buddhism. For conversation’s sake, yes, that is true.  But what is Buddhism? It’s another label. On top of that label is much controversy, discussion, and even arguments over what real  Buddhism is. Buddhism is a label, and the definition of that label is whatever someone says it is, or whatever group decides it is. Oh, no, that’s not right you might argue! Buddhism is this . . .

Buddhism, like everything else is empty. Buddhism lacks an unchanging, eternal anything. Buddhism does not exist in of itself. It only exists as a label for some common teachings, teachings which are also empty, teachings that had come from the Buddha, who is also controversial and empty. If you read the history of Buddhism, you’ll discover the concepts existed long before Siddartha, person/character, was said to have been born. It was not until hundreds of years after the person/character’s death that these teachings were put to writing. Buddhism itself is quite fuzzy in terms of what is truth, or correct.

My head filled with spaghetti thoughts as I tried to sort it out. I let it all go, and then the clarity came . . .  to label myself a Buddhist would be limiting, it would encourage an illusory identity, and one I could not defend as it needs not be defended, as there is nothing to defend.

Now, I say, “I practice Secular Buddhism, but I do not call myself a Buddhist.” Interestingly, I have a come across many others doing they same, as they also saw Buddhist as a label, a limiting title, and an empty one at that.

Yet, even as the label Secular is empty, many of us to identify with its lack of ritual and religious beliefs. We practice Secular Buddhism as much for what it’s not as we do for what is it developing into. Secular Buddhism does have a definition for communication purposes. And it’s interesting to me as I get into discussions about defining Secular Buddhism, I find myself confronted by a lot of attachment to traditional Buddhism (many different traditions), this thing people have created in their minds and have come to identify themselves with. The discussions often seem quite unBuddhist to me.

Atheists  don’t have as much problem defining the word for people as Secular Buddhists do, but even that label sparks controversy. Atheism is simply non-theist, yet Atheists now carry the connotation of being certain there is no God, or claiming there aren’t any gods. And while I know also that Atheist is empty, under controversy, that is a label I still wear. Why? Well, honestly, I am still attached to it.

At 10 years old I declared myself an atheist to my Christian family, and I’ve spent so many years defending that position, I find it difficult to give up. Additionally, in these stressful times where fanatical religions  are asserting themselves, I feel myself pushing back with that very pointedly rebellious title.

So, when people ask about my religion, I say I am an Atheist who practices Secular Buddhism. It’s a mouthful, but it addresses how far I’ve come in unhitching some of my attachments to labels and Buddhism, while reminding me I still have more work to do in areas of attachment, title making, and finding my way  to being completely free  of me-making on all levels.

But this path is one that is common to many in the US, and worldwide. Sadly, many people who are drawn to Buddhism get snared, fall for the same religious suspension of logic and reason, and accept fabricated belief systems just like in many other religions. Yet, all that goes against the very principles that Buddha taught.

Buddha did not do prostrations. He did not pray to statues. He did not pray at all. He did not use mala beads, nor did he assign himself or anyone else to be Lamas. Buddha didn’t teach special monks to give blessings, did not teach rituals that would free one of their “negative karma.” No, quite the opposite.

Like Batchelor, my studies in Buddhism begin with the Tibetan Mahayana tradition. Truthfully, in the beginning I didn’t even know there were different traditions, and I didn’t understand how vastly they differed from one another, nor did I know some actually go wide and far of what the Buddha likely taught. Like many people, I was drawn by the teaching that said we are to think for ourselves, to examine the teachings in our own experience, and if they didn’t work to reject them. I was also compelled by the powerful code of ethics, explained on an internal level, which I very much agree with. The benefits of meditation tools quickly made an impression on me.

Yet, as I progressed through my studies with a nun of this tradition, I questioned frequently the teaching on rebirth after the death of the body, on being reborn in animal or Hell realms, etc. I doubted karma could travel one life to the next, even were rebirth after death of the body possible. Underlying my questions was the teaching that I was to disregard what I could not test, disregard superstition and metaphysics. But my questions went unanswered, dismissed as though those answers would reveal themselves to me as I progressed.

In my second year in the Tibetan Mahayana tradition, a sentence in the Lamp of Enlightenment sent my head reeling. “If you turn away from Mahayana, you will be reborn in the Hell realms many, many times over.” The final big red flag went up. I realized then and there what had been bothering me all along. This stunk of religion! Threats of Hell. This could not possibly be known, or claim to be any kind of truth. This felt like the church of my youth, and with that threat aimed at me, I left that tradition.

So, now the Christian church and the Tibetan Mahayana tradition condemn me to Hell. So be it! Pooh, pooh to them.

But I was not ready to dismiss Buddhism entirely. In spite of all the rituals, prayers, and mala counting that made no sense to me and mostly seemed ridiculous, there had been some valuable teachings in there too. Meditation was teaching me to know my own mind and body, to be more present in my daily life, to see how incredibly attached I was to certain things, and the suffering that brought to me. I was fairly sure that while Tibetan Mahayana was full of religious nonsense, there had been enough  Buddhism there for me to know Buddha had been onto something valuable.

I explored in Zen and the Theravada traditions, and was careful to make sure the authors of the books I read did not follow Tibetan Buddhism.  Zen and Theravada seemed closer to the mark, less praying, less chanting, and more meditating. The focus now was directed at the Eightfold Path and the 5 ethical precepts. I settled in for some time, relieved not to have to hear about hell realms and unlikely human rebirths. But as I dug deeper, and benefited, I was again disturbed by subtle ways logic was cast aside.

Rebirth after death was still being taught, but now the explanations focused on consciousness, some kind of new formation of it, something fuzzy and hazy that no one could explain, and again gave me that, “One day you will see for yourself.” That again. Sigh.

I then stumbled upon Stephan Batchelor’s book Buddhism without Beliefs, and felt a deep connection with this author. He explained that it was quite possible that the teachings had been misinterpreted, or Buddha quite possibly had some beliefs of the times he lived in. In any case, there were suggestions that many of the teachings were simply misinterpreted by those who harbored many beliefs.

And the more I continued my own practice, the more I saw into the workings of how a new self arises, dies, and arises, and repeats, the more I became convinced that rebirth and death were but metaphors. About that time, I met a group of people in Second Life called Skeptical Buddhists. The name appealed to me right away, as I was a born skeptic. These folks weren’t just buying Buddhist teachings hook, line, and sinker, but were carefully examining them, looking into their own experiences to verify or deny the validity of such a teaching. Additionally, they weren’t buying into the ritual and religious BS like the other traditions. As it turned out, they were covering chapters of Batchelor’s Buddhism Without Beliefs book.

I was drawn to this group, continued with my Buddhist practice, and more importantly continued being skeptical, trying out the teachings, and marveling at some of the results. Instead of being transformed into something special, instead of being lifted out the normality of life, I was finding myself more and more in tune with this life being lived, and getting back into my very comfortable atheist skin. The only things pure atheism had not provided were the tools for understanding the workings of my own being, and a way of understanding ethics from inside out.

Skeptical Buddhism, or Secular Buddhism, is free of religious trappings and dogma. Instead we study the English translation of the Pali Canon with the skeptical eye the Buddha encouraged, the willingness to look within our own lives and existence, and in the process free ourselves of many the delusions that have been yanking us around our entire lives. Above all else, this process teaches one to scrutinize, study, examine. Belief is not for us. Belief is for the religious, those willing to accept what someone else believes, who accepts what some else again believes, and on and on.

Secular Buddhism is growing in this country, and is often misinterpreted as Buddhism for Americans, to accommodate our fat and greedy needs. On the contrary, that is not the case. But it sure makes us see quickly how fat and greedy we are, and how we cling to all the things that support our desires. Secular Buddhism attempts to revive the very practical ideas of the Buddha, without the religious nonsense people added to it, or the many ways they have misunderstood the teachings.

Recently, I acquired a SIM of my own, an island in Second Life, where I am building a Secular/Skeptical Buddhist Community to augment the Skeptical Buddhist sangha. Here, you won’t find Asian decorations everywhere, you won’t find statues of Buddha’s, nor will you see prayer flags flapping about. Instead, we are creating an environment for modern day secular/skeptical Buddhists who have concerns not only for their own well being but for animals and the environment. We have a redwood forest, a hemp garden with information on how hemp products can replace tree products, we have solar panels and turbines, and you can get around the island via canoe, horseback, bike, or rowboat. We offer tai chi/yoga, as well as meditation, sutta study classes, and fun at the drum and dance circle. Stop by and join the fun.

Secular/Skeptical Buddhist Community in Second Life

What is Skeptical Buddhism? video

Why Skeptical Buddhism? video

Yosemite

When I was around 8, I realized that to rely on belief was insubstantial and unsatisfying. For that reason, I rejected the religion I’d been brought up in and happily sat within the realm of non-belief. Yet, many years later, though I enjoyed the discovery processes of science and all there was to learn (and I still do), I felt a lacking in my life, hovering in the back of mind. Though my natural temperament is generally “happy”, I didn’t feel as engaged in my life as I could be.

Books on spirituality jumped out at me. I avoided religious materials as I saw no reason to go in that direction, but something about the word spiritual struck a chord. I set out on a journey for “truth” for that special something I couldn’t quite name. I pursued several areas in metaphysics, had some really bizarre and interesting experiences, but all of that seemed always to deal with areas outside of physical life, areas of the unknown. While all that was intriguing, that something, that internal itch just wasn’t being scratched.

When I stumbled upon Buddhism, quite literally after falling down a ladder and having a friend recommend I Google mindfulness, I felt drawn to this “religion.” I was intrigued by the Buddha’s claim that all life is suffering, yet there was a way out. I didn’t feel like I was suffering, but I was interested in his claim that I was. In addition, I felt it compelling that all the teachings, and the teachers explaining the teachings, ended with, “Don’t believe me. I don’t want you to develop yet another view. I want you to see for yourself, to know what I say is true.” Seeing is knowing, not believing. Hmmm . . . .

I set out on what has now been a 7 year journey through Buddhist territory. Mindfulness was not only intriguing, but I felt drawn to it and benefited as soon as I started practicing. Meditation turned out to be hard and painful, yet I could see and know the benefit right within my personal experience. I also saw for myself that craving and desire do indeed create suffering in myself. Clinging and attachment painfully showed itself through self observation, mindfulness. I realized the Buddha was right . . . I was suffering, and that suffering had set me on the spiritual search.

Little by little, I realized that itch was not a desire for more, it was not a need to understand that which is beyond, but instead the itch came from the suffering and delusion I had previously been so blind to, had covered up in various ways and habits. But the Buddhist path is not easy. I wanted to jump off many times. It takes continual vigilance, it takes understanding ethics and morality on an internal level, it takes persistence.  Even so, several times I leaped, indulged in craving and clinging, and yes, suffered the consequences.

There were also teachings that rubbed me the wrong way, that smacked of metaphysical claims, and religious nonsense. I felt confusion over conflicting teachings, teachings that seemed to go against some basic Buddhist concepts. I stopped reading people’s commentary on the teachings and took a course in the English translation of the Pali Canon. I realized then that many of the Buddhist traditions (schools) had incorporated cultural beliefs and religious beliefs and ritual.You can see my blog on the topic of reading source material Don’t Be Lazy: Go to the Source. But I also discovered that I’m just not convinced of some of the teachings the Buddha gave.  After all, seeing is knowing and claims of rebirth after death is not only something I can’t know, but it goes against what I am experiencing with no self.

Yet, I am not willing to throw away the practice because Buddha has proven so much to me through my experience. I’m also not willing to just accept certain teachings, but I am willing to investigate further.

I have a good understanding of mindfulness and continue to improve and refine, make it a 24/7 habit. My problem is I can see the greed, anger, and hatred as they arise, but they do continue to repeatedly arise. It’s not how I want to be. It’s not how I want to view the world. I’ve decided I need to focus my practice on concentration meditation. The Jhanas seemed beyond and impossible, even pointless. But now as I progress through this practice, I am reading how concentration is what purifies the mind. I’m curious to see if this is true.

I am also skeptical, yes. And as for the immaterial Jhanas, not only am I skeptical but I am suspicious that these are states of delusion, early metaphysical nonsense that Buddha accepted. But I am not willing to close my mind either, as so far I have no been able to prove the Buddha wrong, and there is something in the Jhanas that intrigues me in a big way:  seeing the objects are mostly made of space and the rupa-kalapas, which are something like atoms.

When a scientist asked the Dalai Lama what he thought of objects being made of atoms and having mostly space, he laughed and said meditators have known this before  Buddha’s time. And indeed this is what the Buddha taught. How could they have known this through seeing and knowing? I’m intrigued and compelled to explore this matter further.

But to get there I have to let go of much: fear, anger, hatred, aversion, clinging, desire. I have to learn concentration and be able to sit for hours at a time. I would think it utterly impossible except when I was on a Jhana retreat with my teacher Shaila Catherine, I did almost get to the first Jhana. I had actually experienced a quite mind. Within that silence, with no greed, anger, frustration, anxiety, boredom, etc, and with no thoughts rising, the natural feeling of calm and bliss arose, a contentment I had never experienced before. It wasn’t a state I created, a feeling I made, but instead what I experienced was what comes naturally when the mind is quiet and at peace. And even that must be let go of. Jhanas are all about letting go. It’s like the old onion metaphor,  you peel away layers of angst, sadness, anger, resistance, clinging, thoughts, emotions, etc until you get to the mind’s natural state. It’s amazing how much crud we have sitting on top.

So, my intention this year is more seeing and knowing. I want to refocus my meditation practice with enthusiasm, with the idea of just seeing what happens and where it takes me. If I discover the Buddha to be correct, wonderful. If not, I will adjust accordingly.

But so far I have not been able to prove him wrong. Seeing is knowing, so I’ll find out where that leads.

Redwoods

If you’ve ever walked in a redwood forest, you know firsthand the feeling of awe. The redwood reaches high overhead, sometimes hundreds of feet tall, their bases as wide as a car, sometimes wide enough for cars to drive through. There is no place more peaceful than a forest, no place that can take you so quickly out of the day-to-day nonsense and into the present moment.

Bristlecone Pine

Travel to the Sierra mountains, climb a granite cliff in Yosemite, and stand beside the oldest trees in the world . . . the Bristlecone pine. These amazing trees can live up to 5,000 years! When they die and we cut them open, their rings reveal more than years. They also tell the story of earth’s climate in their lifetime, when there was abundant rain, and when they experienced drought, how high or low carbon dioxide levels were.

During the lifespans of trees, they grace us with their beauty, they shade us on hot days, and they provide us with necessary oxygen, they consume carbon dioxide, and they throw much needed water into our atmosphere. As we walk among these towering giants, they stand sentinel as we unwind and let go of city stress and daily angst.

If you don’t spend a lot of time among the kings of the forest, you are missing out on a wonderful opportunity to de-stress.

Mushrooms growing out of fallen tree

But trees don’t just give while they are alive, they continue even through death. As I type this I enjoy a crackling fire, and the cabin I sit in is made of wood. Wood goes into fences and decks, paper products, and more.

In the forest when a tree falls, it may die, but life takes hold in it’s rotting trunk. Insects burrow in, seedlings sprout, and mosses, lichens, and fungi continue to grow on it. There seems to be nothing in the forest that is truly dead. Recycling can be witnessed firsthand.

While people pour energy into various belief systems and imaginary gods, I wonder at how the tree goes unrevered. Trees provide so much to the environment, to our daily living, to our very survival and sanity.

There is nothing more noble, more sacred, than trees.

My cabin in Wyoming

Shortly after I arrived, I got a call asking if we could move the  wildlife tour to Sunday. No problem. I had nothing planned that day anyway. This morning when I awoke, I decided I’d go into town, but after a few hours decided I’d stay inside and enjoy a fire and a day of reading, or whatever.

I often get asked where my happiness comes from and how I manage to get so much done while being so laid back. I believe it’s because of spontaneity. For me, plans and schedules cause undo stress. Of course, there are, as I said above, some things that must be planned or scheduled, but by and large most events can arise spontaneously.

Deer behind my cabin

If you watch animals, they are spontaneous. When the desire to run in a circle arises, they run. When they are sleepy, they sleep. Wild animals eat when they’re hungry, and play when they’re feeling playful.

Our intellects have gotten in the way of natural spontaneity. Some of my dear, intelligent friends, keep themselves in stress continuously through rigid schedules and ungainly To-Do lists. The main problem with those lists is they can overwhelm you with what needs to be done, rather than spontaneously taking care of only what needs to be done right now!

I took a business course that came recommended by many. The four days focused on keeping a calendar, keeping a running to To-Do list, organizing your life so that you have more time to organize more parts of your life. The goal was to get more done and to be more successful. I could well envision more up tightness as well. I decided to use only the useful tips on organizing email.

People are curious about a woman traveling alone, and on the plane, I was asked if this trip was business. Don’t people travel for fun anymore? “No,” I explained. “This is for fun and relaxation.” The gal on the plane looked so surprised, “Oh, how wonderful of you to take care of yourself like that. I wish I could do that.” When I asked her why she couldn’t, it was because of all this crap she had planned, none of which sounded like it couldn’t be moved or canceled in favor of some fun. I suggested just that, and she looked at me like a deer staring into headlights. Then she said, “Oh, maybe I’ll plan a trip for next year.” Good grief.

If you’re in need of some R&R take it! Who knows, in a year you may be dead.

The one thing we should demand in our daily lives is room to allow spontaneity to arise. Work on the project that begs for your attention internally. Take a break when you need it. And work hard when inspiration strikes.

Sit back, torch up the fireplace, and throw your To-Do lists and calendars in the flames. You’ll be better off, believe me!

So . . .  when I die and if I find myself face to face with the Christian God, I will ask him, “Is that shit in the Bibles mostly true?” If God says, “No, it’s nothing like that all.” Or he says, “No, it’s mostly not true.” Then I will sit and ask him how it really is. However, if God says, “Yes, the Bibles were mostly true.” Then I will say, “You can go blow yourself, you deranged, demonic, cruel, murdering jerk! Show me the stairs down to Hell because I won’t speak with you a second longer.”

To which you may be thinking, well He’s going to send you there anyway, and true enough. Just making the point that I will go willingly and feel I’ll be better off for it. You see, I am going on what he said about the Bibles being true, and the behavior of this God and his counter part Mr. Lucifer  in those very Bibles.

To my readings of the ol’ black tomes, by page 4 God has lied, he’s denied his new creations sight, knowledge, and being like God, then he punishes not only Adam, Eve, and the Serpent, but he punishes everyone who comes after Adam and Eve. He goes on to ask obnoxious things of people to show their faith, including killing a son. He strikes people with plagues and boils, and he kills cities and the planet full of people. Oh except for Noah and his family, plus a boat load of animals. He murders more people than Hitler many times over. Lucifer, on the other hand, tells the truth, tempts Job under God’s conniving request, and offers Jesus a Kingdom. Throughout history Lucifer tempts people repeatedly with things like drugs, sex, and rock and roll. Jesus said Hell is fire and brimstone, but good ol’ Lucifer never says anything of the kind. Who can we believe? Not God, on page 4 he lied!

I’ll take my chances with ol’ Satan down in Hell, and he can tempt me for all eternity. I may likely even take him up on those temptations. What the Hell. I’m dead anyway!

On the other hand, if the God I find myself face to face with after death is no God at all, but instead the Goddess Athena, then I will say, “Goddess Athena, had I known of your existence I would have built an alter in your honor. Every day I would have adorned it with flowers in gratitude for the wisdom you have bestowed upon me, for the lovely loom you invented so that we all have clothes, and for protecting Athens.” I don’t actually live in Athens, but hey why not give credit where credit is due. And then I would ask Athena if she’d take me to the great Cosmic Library. I figure as the Goddess of Wisdom, she’s probably got some killer Galactic Internet connection I’ll be able to tap into for all eternity. I figure I have a decent chance of going to Heaven with Athena.

Or, maybe I’ll find myself face to face with the Great Tree a group of tribal Africans prayed to daily on a show I saw on Discovery. If that is the case, I will say, “Oh Great Tree God, I have spent much time in the forests, and I’ve always appreciated the oxygen and water they put into our atmosphere, and the way you take the carbon dioxide out of it. I have tried to be frugal with tree products. I even bought a Kindle!” With my much practiced reverence for trees while I was alive, I think I have a good chance of going to tree Heaven.

But all this hypothetical bullshit aside, all this nonsense about Gods and Goddesses, what is more likely to happen is this:

When I die, my consciousness will blink out like a light bulb that’s blown it’s filament. Do you wonder where the light goes when you flip the switch off? No! The bulb no longer generates light if it’s not getting electricity or if the filament is blown. In the same way, the function of my brain called consciousness will operate no more when I’m dead. Dana thoughts, emotions, responses, etc. will cease. Dana will be but a memory, either pleasant or annoying, in those who knew her, until they too are dead. My body will rot if I’m buried, but preferably my Will has been followed, and my body will be turned to ash. In either process, all the molecules that were this body will be released and the universe will recycle them back into clouds, dew, rivers, trees, rocks, bugs, new stars, or who knows what. In fact, who cares? Not I!

Death is the end of life. It’s the flip side of the coin. There is no reason to think anything happens to a person after they die except that the cells cease their activity, and the thing we called a person exists no more. It will be exactly like it was for me 14 billion years before I’d even come along. I wasn’t aware of anything then, and I won’t be aware of anything after my death. Because awareness is a brain function after all, and after death that marvelous brain is nothing but a mass of inert goo.

Death is the end of human suffering. It’s the end of all suffering. It’s simply the end. But understanding that, I am able to appreciate the dog warming my feet, the smell of the forest after a rain, the beauty of the play of light we call a rainbow, the interaction with my children, the help and support of my friends, and so much more. I know I have this one and only one life to live, so I participate fully in each day, savor each moment, even the shitty ones. I am free of silly beliefs and fears.

The religious or spiritual quest is one that just takes you farther from yourself, who you are, and what life has to offer, right here, right now, exactly as it is. This is it, and this is plenty! Live your life mindfully, as though it were going to end any second.

Or maybe instead, you kept an image in mind, and you remained perfectly still. The imagine morphs into a new scene, and now you can move around, you feel the bark of a tree, hear a bird overhead, and feel a breeze on your face,  and you know your body is still on the couch, yet  you are in an entirely new place.

I’ve had both of these experiences many times, often intentional, and sometimes not. One is known as astral travel, and the other as Shamanic journey. Both events are induced by being still and relaxing, or going without food and water, or using drugs. The first, simply remaining still, was my preferred technique. And for a few years I believed the books that they were true out of body experiences, where my essence, soul, whatever left my physical body and went into what is called the astral realm. I know better now.

I can hear some of you protesting already, but bear with me. The answer to what’s really happening is fascinating, at least to me, and possibly you if you’re willing to learn about it.

While I was practicing these kinds of experiences, I also continued my never-ending interest in neurobiology and the particularly the biology of sleep and dreams, mixed with the many years of mindfulness meditation.

Something I noticed in meditation immediately was that after 30 minutes, if you remain absolutely still, you will lose body sensation. I found this fascinating, and discovered the reason while researching astral travel. In one of the books I read it said that if you remain stay for 30 minutes or more and don’t move anything, not even an eyelid, you trick the brain into thinking you’re asleep. But because this is not the natural method of going to sleep, awareness remains.

This is also what long time meditators experience, and scientific studies have shown through EKG and MRIs, that indeed meditators are inducing sleep yet remain alert. This led me to research sleep and dreaming more, and what I found was fascinating.

In the normal sleep process when you lie down at night, the brain initiates sleep by doing the following:

• Shutting down consciousness (awareness)
• Shutting down the chemicals that make memories
• Inducing body paralysis
• Creating LOTS of brain activity

Your brain is as active when you are asleep as when you are awake. The reason for shutting down consciousness and memory chemicals is because the activity would probably really confuse and frighten us, and conscious thinking would interfere with all the testing the brain needs to go through while we sleep. The paralysis is to prevent you from walking around while it’s checking the neurons for activities like walking, running, etc. In addition, they suspect the flight and fight responses gets checked through nightmares, and other important reflexes are tested. Lastly, memories are allocated to different areas of the brain depending on importance, and learning is reviewed and perhaps made more or less accessible, depending on many factors.

This made me realize that many dream theories out there are nonsense, because actually we aren’t supposed to remember them. The only reason why we do is because apparently consciousness and memory making go hand in hand. So, if you slowly awaken from the need to urinate in the middle of the night, as you become conscious, you also become aware of the brain activity going on, you mentally “see” what’s it doing. This you see in the form of a dream. So, if your brain is testing a memory of your mother, while simultaneously checking the memory of a women you passed in the store 6 days ago, you may dream about your mom but she looks completely different than your real mom. Instead she has the face of this woman you don’t recall seeing but your brain remembered.

I read about the paralysis part years ago, and knew sometimes we wake before control is given back to us, sometimes causing panic in people. This is a common symptom of sleep paralysis and will disappear as soon as you are fully conscious. But I had one friend who said she often had the nightmare of something horrible happening and not being able to scream. She announced proudly one day that she had successfully screamed in her dream, and she thought that meant she had some kind of psychological breakthrough.  No, actually it only means she had dealt with her dream fear and was able to settle back into the dream enough to continue it.

So, back to out of body experiences. They can only happen after the body has been still for some time,  usually at least 30 minutes, but not always. Some books go as far to say that you must learn to fall asleep while remaining aware. In other words, you are inducing a lucid dream. A lucid dream is where you have fallen asleep, but you have enough awareness that you can move through the dream of your own volition. Some of these books go on to say that all dreaming takes place in the astral, and that all dreamers are out of their body. No, you’re not.

Dreaming takes place in the same place your thinking and imagination take place: in your head. It’s a brain function. So, what happens is that people train themselves to be aware as their body goes to sleep. The brain clicks into testing most, and begins the process of dreaming. But because you have maintained awareness, you force yourself to dream that you are leaving your body. Generally, you won’t have control over other dream characters, the environment, etc just like in dreaming, but that also makes the experience seem more “real.”

The realness is the part that puzzled me until I started paying closer attention to my dreams in regular sleep. Everything is absolutely real, and you have no doubt about where you are or what you’re doing in a dream. It’s not until you wake up, that you might wonder how you could be so easily fooled.

Lastly,  hallucinations seem absolutely real. After I had surgery and was in ICU because of the pain medications, I had a hallucination that seemed so real I almost believed I had slipped into a parallel universe. I knew I wasn’t dreaming, because I could read print repeatedly, was watching the clock and knew I was awake. I puzzled for some time over this, how the room changes could seem so real. The room was pink instead of blue, and I had lace curtains instead of the normal hospital ones.

When I read about the biology of sleep, I realized that I was indeed awake, but I was dreaming while conscious. This is the nature of a hallucination. What you see and experience smells, feels, and appears absolutely real. Dreams seem absolutely real. But in the case of out of body experience, you are dreaming while awake. You have tricked the brain into thinking you are asleep because of the stillness of body, and so it goes on to create a dream, a lucid one in which you have some control.

The process is similar for journeying.  You start out with imagination, and when you’ve tricked your brain into thinking you’re asleep, then the dreamscape takes over your imagination, and it appears as though you’ve stepped into another world.

I know most of you are not going to want to accept the reality of out of body experiences. But you can verify this for yourself by watching how dream images begin to pop up during long meditations, or if you start paying close attention to how real dreams seem, how you fall asleep at night, etc., and the true nature of a lucid dream.

I’ve concluded there is nothing that can leave the body, and all of this is sleep biology and nothing more. To reject the reality of it, to cling to a belief that you are flying around elsewhere is just to delude yourself, to separate yourself even farther from who and what you really are.

Some of you may be arguing  this is not the same as actually having a father. Of course not, but when you are totally without, this is the next best thing. And I must say, I’ve never had regrets concerning the father figures I chose for myself because the decision came out of need and a close connection, a connection I might add that my friends didn’t generally have with their biological fathers.

Mr. Spok

It was in the late 60′s when I lobbed onto my first father figure, Mr. Spok. May sound odd to many of you, especially those of you who wished your fathers were more emotional, more in tune with your feelings. Well, I wanted quite the opposite.

When the adults in my house were well into their beers and vodkas, and arguing over, whatever they argued about incessantly, I knew I could turn to Mr. Spok who was always the voice of logic and reason. Unless Spok was entrenched in some intense mind meld, or the God Apollo had put some stupid spell on Spok, turning him into a singing crying fool (only happened once to my memory) Spok would react to any situation with calm and logic. The biggest reaction you’d get is a quirky  lifting of one brow if he was puzzled by some silly human act.

Kirk: The boundary layer between what and what?
Spock: Between where we were and where we are.
Kirk: Are you trying to be funny, Mr. Spock?
Spock: It would never occur to me, Captain.

As much as I loved the Star Trek universe, I longed to know our own universe. I remember lying on the font lawn, gazing up at the stars, noting how far away they seemed, yet so close. It was not long thereafter when my next father figure stepped onto the scene, Carl Sagan.

Carl Sagan

The Cosmos series was wild and wonderful. Carl’s enthusiasm was infectious, and I was hooked! Now here was a man I could look up to, who I could learn from, who answered so many of my questions, and made it ok to have many more. Carl was a father figure I would revisit often in years to follow, as he guided me with more shows on the universe, human evolution, wonderful books, and the viewpoint that it was ok to question the existence of God.

“It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.”

I had a thirst for learning. Unfortunately, school was the last place I could do that. They wouldn’t allow me in science because of my math, and it would have made too much sense to teach me math using astronomy or some other science topic.

I had come to detest rules, and teachers were not happy in having to try to enforce them. On the first day of my English class, the teacher went over the usual rules of the classroom, and while he was finishing, I unwrapped a Hershey bar and began to enjoy it. “Ms. Killeaney! Did I not just tell you that eating is not allowed in my classroom.” I rolled my eyes. “Yes, you did.” And went back to eating another square. “Get out!” So I picked up my chocolate and headed for the door. “Sit down!” I sighed and sat. It was going to be a long year I thought, as I nibbled another chocolate square, trying to block out the sound of his raging at me.

George Carlin

As much as I adored Carl Sagan I needed a father figure who could understand my plight with authority. In stepped George Carlin. Now, here was a man I could relate to. He understood how idiotic teachers were, how truly moronic religion is, how insane society is. Yet, instead of feeding my anger, he showed me how to laugh at it, laugh at the fools who thought they were so smart. George was not afraid to say whatever was on his mind, no matter how against the grain his idea was, how crude or how rude.

George was the first to say the 7 words you can not say on television, and he said it them on television: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits! George was not only my new father figure, he was my idol. For a few years.

When I had children, I realized the difficultly of continuing on that path while trying to mother new minds. My kids reawakened my desire to learn about the world around me, and I had to call on my previous father figure Carl Sagan. By now Carl had written more books The Dragons of Eden: Speculations on the Evolution of Human Intelligence and The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark, which made me realize how important it was to teach my children to think critically and not be full of religious superstition.

Through the years I could call on whichever father figure suited my needs in that moment whether it was Mr. Spok for his calm and reason, George Carlin for his honesty, irreverence, and humor, or Carl Sagan for his intelligence, curiosity, and enthusiasm for discovery.

President Barack Obama

I had thought I was all but done seeking new father figures when a new, unexpected father figure emerged on the horizon, Barack Obama. Interestingly, Barack is a mix of all my previous father figures. He has the calm and poise of Mr. Spok, the fearless of George Carlin, and the intelligence and open mindedness of Carl Sagan.

I’m not crazy about the fact that he’s Christian, but Barack himself said, “My faith is one that admits some doubt.”  I can not ask for more.

Obama is a mover and a shaker, a man who is not afraid to say this is messed up and we have to change it.  Obama has stood up to this nation and said the health care system is broken, our educational system is broken, and this is NOT a Christian nation, it is secular and includes non-believers! I admire his guts, his levelheadedness, his ability to see sense and reason. And he has the nerve and good humor to say in public, “Kanye is a jackass!” Indeed!

This is the first president in my memory that I really, really like, and I am glad to share this father figure with the entire nation. After all that is one of the the differences between biological fathers and father figures. The latter can be shared.

I don’t know if there will be other father figures in my future, but I am happy to share the ones I’ve had with you.